Jewish End of Life Practices - Jewish Guidelines for Mourning
By: Rabbi Eva Sax-Bolder, Community Rabbi Boulder, CO
Jewish Mourning
Courtesy of Kavod V’Nichun www.kavodvnichum.org
The First Seven Days after Burial - Shiva
After the burial, it is customary for the community to provide a meal of condolence (s’udat havra’ah) to the mourning family. The mourners traditionally return to the home in which they will be sitting shiva. A pitcher of water and a cup are placed outside the door of the home. It is customary to wash ones hands by pouring a cup of water alternatively on both hands three times. As with the shovel at the cemetery, the cup is not passed from person to person.
The meal is prepared by members of the community or the primary mourners. Traditionally, foods include round foods, such as hard-boiled eggs, lentils, and garbanzo beans. The round shape of these foods symbolize the continuous cycle of life. Sharing a meal is an affirmation that life must continue, even in the face of death.
The primary mourners begin formal mourning after burial during a 7-day period called shiva (literally, “seven”), an intense period in which they do nothing but mourn. (We speak of a mourner as “sitting shiva”.) Shiva begins immediately following the burial and lasts for seven days, ending after the morning service on the seventh day. Shiva is not observed on the Sabbath or during Jewish holidays.
Jewish tradition offers very specific recommendations for gradual reentry into normal life. During the first week (shiva), the mourners are treated with the utmost care and respect. Their needs are met by the community: both physical/logistical needs, such as meals, babysitting, etc., and spiritual and emotional needs. The synagogue or funeral coordinator often assist in this process.
Traditionally, mourners remain at home during shiva and a service is held daily (often in the evening) at the home, so that the mourners may recite the Mourners’ Kaddish together. Mourners are encouraged to join the congregation on Shabbat to say Kaddish. In some communities, services are held in the home both morning and evening. The tradition is that the Mourner’s Kaddish is said in the presence of a minyan (prayer quorum of ten; plural, minyanim), to insure that mourners do not grieve in isolation but are surrounded by members of their community.
The Mourner’s Kaddish (in Hebrew, Kaddish Yatom, which literally means “Orphan’s Kaddish“) does not deal directly with death but speaks of the power and majesty of God. Perhaps the ancient rabbis understood that it is in the face of death that we are most likely to deny the existence of God.
We recite the Kaddish to reaffirm our belief. We express our feelings of loss and the hope that God will fill the vacuum that has been created in the world and in our hearts. Some people believe the Kaddish is also said for the benefit of the soul of the deceased to help facilitate its journey. After the funeral, it is customary to say Kaddish at every service you attend during mourning. Traditionally, Kaddish is only said for immediate family, but you may say Kaddish for whomever you wish.
In instances where there are very few or no family members, the role of the community becomes central. People are needed to attend minyanim, bring meals, help with dishes and other housework, help with childcare and/or pet care, and so on. The shiva period gives mourners time to withdraw from the business of the world and begin to integrate and accept their loss. At the close of the shiva period, the tradition is that friends or family accompany the mourner for a brief walk (e.g. around the block) to symbolize the start of the mourners’ reentry into the world.
Our tradition emphasizes focusing on memory and things of emotional significance, and on relieving the mourner from focusing on the external world. For this reason there are traditions that the mourner cover mirrors and need not bathe, shave, change clothes or use makeup. The aim of these practices is to de-emphasize externals, and to keep the focus on the spiritual and emotional aspects of loss.
Mourners do not work during the shiva period and usually stay at home. During the shiva period, mourners also do not participate in parties, concerts, shows, movies, or similar events that are celebratory in nature, nor do they participate in sex during this time. Mourners should focus on their loss in order to be able to gradually heal.
Mourners may sit on low stools or boxes during the shiva period as a means of expressing grief. Furthermore, this practice symbolizes the humility and pain of the mourner who is “brought low” by the passing of a loved one. A tall candle traditionally burns in the shiva home for seven days as a sign of memorial.
The First 30 Days after Burial - Shloshim
The next stage of the mourning process is known as shloshim (literally, “thirty”). This 30-day period is counted from the day of the funeral (and includes the shiva period). Following shiva, the mourner generally returns to work during shloshim but is still not completely back in the world. This ongoing mourning is expressed by avoiding parties, concerts, and other forms of public entertainment.
The mourner continues to wear the kri’ah ribbon during this time.
At the conclusion of shloshim, the formal mourning period ends, except for those who are mourning parents. For these mourners, formal mourning, including the recitation of the Mourner’s Kaddish, lasts eleven months (or a full year). Some people may wish to mark the end of shloshim with a special minyan, where the mourner or family members talk about the deceased. Also, any public memorial service is usually held at the conclusion of shloshim. The memorial service may include several speakers and music or poetry that might not have been included in the funeral service.
After the completion of shloshim, we are required to return to normal activities; we are required by Jewish law to re-engage in life, get back to normal routines, and go on living. This is not only for our own health and welfare, but as a way to honor the life and accomplishments of the dead. We are encouraged to live a life that honors our lost family members, and this requires that we not only mourn but also live fully.
The First Year After Burial
The period from the end of shloshim to the end of the first year after death is a time we are encouraged to get back into life, while honoring our dead on a daily basis through the saying of Kaddish. Traditionally, mourners who have lost a parent say Kaddish daily for eleven months (or a full year), while mourning for all other relatives ends with the shloshim. In modern practice, mourners may recite Kaddish for eleven months for other immediate relatives as well.
Mourning is a process that can be complex and difficult for some people, depending on their relationship with the deceased. Here are some guidelines for the mourner’s process that take into account human needs for self-acceptance, emotional expression, support from others, and time:
Accept your emotions. Realize that grieving can be an emotional roller coaster, involving shock, guilt, denial, panic, anger, and physical symptoms.
Express your feelings. A feeling that is denied remains with you and can erupt at inappropriate times. Acknowledging pain is much better for long-term emotional health. Crying is a natural expression of grief for all people – men, women and children.
Heal your grief in your own way and in your own time. Ask others to give you this freedom as well.
As needed, seek guidance from a counselor, rabbi or chaplain. They can guide you through the healing process in a holistic way
The “Unveiling” Ceremony
In addition to burial and mourning practices, there is a traditional obligation to create some form of matzevah (“monument”) to mark the site of the grave. The “unveiling” is a formal ceremony following the placement of the matzevah.
Customs differ, but the unveiling is generally held after shloshim and usually in the month before the first yahrzeit. The unveiling service is a relatively recent practice originating in the United States. Technically, a rabbi need not be present, but it is helpful to have an experienced person officiate.
The ceremony is very brief, usually including some psalms and readings, a few words about the deceased, the removal of a covering from the monument, the prayer El Malei Rachamim, and, if a minyan is present, the Mourner’s Kaddish. You may ask the rabbi to help you design an appropriate service to mark the occasion. The unveiling reminds us that we will continue to visit the grave on the deceased’s yahrzeit and during the High Holiday season, and that their memory will always be with us as our life continues.